Tower and Town, April 2022

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The Power (And Danger) Of Vulnerability

What is vulnerability? Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or open to attack or damage. It involves a person’s willingness to accept the emotional risk that comes from being open and willing to love and be loved. Being seen as vulnerable is usually a sign of weakness. When I was younger, I came back from school just as I did every day and at the dining table was my mum, holding a slice of chocolate cake, my favourite dessert at the time. She never ever made us chocolate cake and always let our dad make it every so often, so you can imagine how confused and vulnerable I felt. As a young child, whenever I was presented with any sweet dessert, I was ready to say anything about anything just to get the dessert. That morning, I had taken my brother’s headphones, which I would never usually do, and it wasn’t a good reason for me to even have them either, but I really wanted the chocolate cake. The best thing was that my mum hadn’t even said a word while I was thinking about this in my head. I didn’t even notice, so I prepared myself to spill what happened that morning and, out of nowhere, just as I was walking up to her, she said we were having guests over and she wanted to make a nice dessert for them. I felt so absolutely betrayed; I was ready to tell her everything and the cake wasn’t even for me. I felt extremely vulnerable during that.

Why is being vulnerable a good thing? Brene Brown, in a Forbes magazine article, writes about how it can build up trust in a relationship or friendship and increases our self-worth. People tend not to be vulnerable because they overestimate the risks of it and underestimate the benefits. At times, everyone has felt vulnerable. It could have been when sharing personal information about yourself or reconnecting with someone you have fallen out with. A time when I felt very vulnerable was when I talked about any mistakes I made and had a feeling that the person with whom I was sharing this would just completely dismiss what I was saying. That did not happen however, but I felt extremely vulnerable because of it.

A big debate is whether children are more vulnerable than adults. A book by Jonathan Herring explores this idea in detail. Children, of course, are very dependent on adults to satisfy their basic needs. They lack the basic decision-making capacity to fend for themselves. However, an adult’s abilities to do things could be over estimated and they are just as incompetent as children and that childhood has been created to disguise the vulnerability of adults.

Vulnerability is one of the first things people look for in each other, most times not even realising it. The cause of this is because when you are vulnerable, you are more open and able to express your feelings. Nevertheless, it is usually the last thing people tend to show about themselves because if they do, it can increase the risk of being hurt and no one wants to take a big risk like that. It can affect us so much. Vulnerability is not the fear of defeat or the confidence of victory, it is being able to understand why we need both and how we can use them.

Many men find it extremely hard to be vulnerable because of the pressure of social masculinity. Because of this, they may hold themselves back from opening up and expressing any emotions due to the fear of being wounded. People have learnt that it is socially unacceptable to show any vulnerability as a man. This affects their daily life, not thinking it’s acceptable to ask for help or not being able to cry in front of others or even at all. Not being able to be vulnerable can have very negative impacts on your life such as mental health issues like depression or social anxiety. They can also get addicted to drugs as an escape or distraction from their feelings and emotions.

Women are very used to fighting their way to the top as they have, until recently, been put down by men as incapable. They forget that it is okay to make mistakes and get things wrong. That’s vulnerability. When most people think of being vulnerable, it’s usually shown as baring your soul, and it’s a big sign of weakness. To build up trust with someone, you need vulnerability and to be vulnerable, you need trust and most times it’s hard to get that. You must get comfortable with someone and even though there is a risk of getting hurt, that risk can most definitely be taken by men, women and even children.

Although vulnerability can feel like a dangerous state, it can also be very empowering.

ZH